so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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