why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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