I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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