Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
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