My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Did I show you my penis last night?
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
