He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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