Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
