I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. ðŸ˜
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
