My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
