NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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