So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
