I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
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