Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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