she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
