That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
