I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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