I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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