people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
