i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
