i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
