Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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