So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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