I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
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