i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
