Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I can feel your judgement through the phone
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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