You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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