I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
