hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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