The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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