Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
