I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
