I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
