I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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