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I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
