I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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