She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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