he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
