i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
