hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
