I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Randomize
