guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
