Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
