I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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