Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
