i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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