i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
