not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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