my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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