I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
