allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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