remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
