Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
We left an ass print on the piano.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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