i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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