Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
How external is "for external use only"?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
