Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize