I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
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