haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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