Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
That's how pantless uber rides happen
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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