i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Houston, we have a squirter
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize