textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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