I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
