Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
