she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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