have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
this hospital has no fireball
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
