One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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