i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
