I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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