i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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