allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
me + whiskey = a bad person
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